Sunday, June 05, 2005

LiveBlog of the Tonys

8:00 - Where the hell is Hugh?
8:02 - Bernadette Peters? WHY? She should not be allowed in public until someone sits her down and explains to her that she may no longer be a Broadway baby at 57. When you qualify as a member of AARP, you may cease and desist with the "cute."
8:05 - "I thought you were Deep Throat - wait, that's Harvey Fierstein." Okay, Billy Crystal is allowed to stay. Hee!
8:10 - God is Hugh ridiculously handsome. As always.
8:12 - Best actor in a play. Okay, first Alan Alda is cheated out of an Oscar, now THIS? What does the man have to do to get an award? He's Alan fuckin' Alda!
8:18 - Is anyone else amused by Phantom's "Remember your first time" billboard? Just me then? Okay.
8:20 - Yay! Dancing, singing Hugh.
8:22 - "Shake, shake, shake your booty." I am thanking you.
8:24 - Julia Styles, honey. Yeah, hi. I'm glad that you haven't fallen prey to the pressure of getting implants and are comfortable with your natural svelteness. However, next time please don't pick a dress cut down to your navel to prove the point. Thanks. Lawrence Fishburne, you are, as always, the epitome and definition of coolness.
8:29 - Craig Lucas, that hat may give me reason to believe you are an asshole.
8:30 -WHAT?!?!? Best book went to SPELLING BEE instead of Spamalot? Are you fucking KIDDING me?
8:32 - "Great Big Stuff" CBS bleeped "ass" (Which, give me a break) and "blowjob" (more understandable.) I love that now Broadway is actually too controversial for network television.
8:41 - Best Choreography. Tony number TWO that Spamalot is passed by for. And Jerry Mitchell is a lisp away from being a complete stereotype. Oh, wait. There's the lisp. Nevermind.
8:43 - Best Original Score - Tony FUCKING three that Spamalot doesn't win. Poor Eric Idle. His acceptance speech would also have been a hell of a lot funnier than that of the rambling jackass that DID win.
9:00 - I love Chita Rivera, but she looks so facelifted that it's a miracle her nipples aren't on her forehead.
9:10 - I would gladly smoke four packs a day if it meant I could have Kathleen Turner's voice.
9:14 - FINALLY! Spamalot takes Best Actress in a Musical. "I'd like to thank Claritin...and my doctors." See? More Tony Awards for Spamalot = More Funny in the speeches.
9:16 - Anne Hatheway as the most unfortunate dress of the night.
9:18 - WHAT?!? How the FUCK can Spamalot lose in a category in which they have TWO nominations? I suspect conspiracy.
9:33 - "I have a message for Saddam Hussein: For the love of God, switch to boxers!" I love Nathan Lane.
9:46 - YAY! *Dances around* Best Direction of a Musical goes to Spamalot!
9:54 - "25th Annual Spelling Bee" Al Sharpton as a spelling bee contestant - brilliant. And I forgive them slightly for stealing one of Spamalot's Tonys.
10:01 - *ROTFLMAO* Mets fans at Shea screaming "Yankees suck" when they're playing the Giants. Hysterical. And yes, I realize that I'm about one of ten people in the world flipping between the Tonys and baseball.
10:07 - Am I a sap if I still get weepy at Christopher Reeve having died?
10:15 - Best Actor in a Play. WHAT?!? I was gonna make a crack about the other guys being in the same category as James Earl Jones but he lost. Alda and Jones losing and Spamalot losing most of their this the Twilight Zone?
10:19 - Kathleen Turner AND Phylicia Rashad losing? I am definitely in some alternate universe.
10:23 - "Spamalot" performance. Absolutely brilliant. Although seeing Tim Curry singing onstage makes me think he's going to bust out the corset and fishnets at any second. However the song itself was a bit weak. I get the feeling that the dialogue is the most brilliant part.
10:29 - Ethan Hawke has the worst haircut.
10:31 - Sandra Oh looks stunning. Although - honey, yes you do need a bra.
10:35 - Not to insult the Queen, but Aretha sounds hoarse.
10:43 - Harvey Fierstein rocks, but his voice is the most grating one this side of Fran Drescher. And Christina Applegate? Next time take OFF the four-inch fake eyelashes after performing.
10:46 - That's IT. I'm done. Butz beat out Hank Azaria, John Lithgow, Gary Beach and Tim fucking Curry for best actor in a musical? This is BULLSHIT.
11:00 - Best Musical. "Spamalot" wins and order is restored to the world.

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